October 22, 2006

FEAR

The single biggest factor that keeps men from connecting with one another is their fear of one another. I'm not referring to physical fear, but emotional fear instead. Men spend their entire lives living in an emotional vacuum they have created for themselves because they are too frightened of other men to allow them into their emotional lives.
The reasons for this fear are numerous and are frequently connected to our relationships with our fathers, many of whom unfortunately weren't particularly trustworthy. Men need to rise above their fear and lack of trust regarding other men because the value that can come from relationships with other men is worth taking the risk.
Reaching out to other men can be a daunting task. I recognize how difficult it is for some men to take this first step towards connecting with other men. What is worth remembering is that other men feel similarly and therefore would be receptive to someone who takes the first step.
If you know a man who you think might be interested in exploring his male issues, the risk of being rebuffed is small. Take him aside and mention your interest in putting a group of men together. If he is interested you have the beginnings of a new men's group and he may know other men who are interested as well.
Stop living a lone wolf existence that can only fuel the frustration you already feel about not being comfortable having to handle your issues without worthwhile feedback. The reward is so huge that you will wonder why it took you so long to take the chance.
More next week about how to start your group.
Ken Solin

My new book, A Roomful of Elephants, is now out to publishers and I hope to have it on the bookshelves in the next several months. In the interim I have decided to offer a weekly blog that will be specifically aimed at men and will discuss the most poignant men's issues. After my book is published I plan to continue a weekly blog that will address any questions men might have about their issues.
Lamentably, few men's lives seem to encompass true male friendships. A Roomful of Elephants speaks to the nearly universal lack of trust that men have in one another, and it specifically discusses how men can easily change that paradigm.
What I have gleaned after starting my own men's group fifteen years ago is that men can benefit and learn from one another sufficient to move them along their male paths towards more enlightened behavior in a relatively short period of time.
My weekly blog will address specific male issues that have come up over the years in my group and discuss how they have either been resolved or at least been managed in a more effective manner.
As this is my first weekly blog I feel the issue of men living lone wolf existences is paramount. No meaningful change will ever occur in a man's life until he exchanges his fear of other men for trust. Of course losing that sense of mistrust can't be initially accomplished on a mass scale, and can best be learned in a small group of eight or nine men.
For this coming week I would like men who feel they want to end their lone wolf lives to think of one of two other men they know, even casually, and consider talking to them about starting their own small group. Since these few men you ask to join most likely know other men as well, reaching the perfect sized group of eight men shouldn't take more than a week or two.
It is imperative not to sell the notion of a men's group very hard since any men who join your group will by necessity have to feel a sincere desire to discuss their issues in a confidential atmosphere, and men who can't embrace that notion won't be very solid members.
When approaching men to fill out your group's roster it will be helpful to mention a few of the issues your group plans to tackle. These might include, but not be limited to, sex and sexuality, male trust, male anger, divorce, relationships, midlife crisis, dating, fathers and fatherhood, and pain specific to men.
These are the issues that have come up repeatedly in my group and need to be discussed in order for men to move beyond them and no longer have them influence their lives negatively.
It took nearly two years for the men in my group to sufficiently discuss their fathers before the topic became exhausted. There is quite a bit of anger and pain for many men behind their relationships with their fathers, and while there is certainly benefit in discussing fathers with a therapist, discussing it with other like-minded men can offer an experience that is far more meaningful because it is a shared pain.
I have watched many men move beyond the pain that was their legacies from their fathers and I have seen the quality of their lives improve because they did so.
So, for this week, find the other seven men for your group and feel free to email me at kensolin@comcast.net if you require any assistance.
I look forward to meeting many of you online and in person as I begin to travel around the country to promote my book and the notion of men's groups becoming widespread. Have a productive week.
Ken Solin

My new book, A Roomful of Elephants, is now out to publishers and I hope to have it on the bookshelves in the next several months. In the interim I have decided to offer a weekly blog that will be specifically aimed at men and will discuss the most poignant men's issues. After my book is published I plan to continue a weekly blog that will address any questions men might have about their issues.
Lamentably, few men's lives seem to encompass true male friendships. A Roomful of Elephants speaks to the nearly universal lack of trust that men have in one another, and it specifically discusses how men can easily change that paradigm.
What I have gleaned after starting my own men's group fifteen years ago is that men can benefit and learn from one another sufficient to move them along their male paths towards more enlightened behavior in a relatively short period of time.
My weekly blog will address specific male issues that have come up over the years in my group and discuss how they have either been resolved or at least been managed in a more effective manner.
As this is my first weekly blog I feel the issue of men living lone wolf existences is paramount. No meaningful change will ever occur in a man's life until he exchanges his fear of other men for trust. Of course losing that sense of mistrust can't be initially accomplished on a mass scale, and can best be learned in a small group of eight or nine men.
For this coming week I would like men who feel they want to end their lone wolf lives to think of one of two other men they know, even casually, and consider talking to them about starting their own small group. Since these few men you ask to join most likely know other men as well, reaching the perfect sized group of eight men shouldn't take more than a week or two.
It is imperative not to sell the notion of a men's group very hard since any men who join your group will by necessity have to feel a sincere desire to discuss their issues in a confidential atmosphere, and men who can't embrace that notion won't be very solid members.
When approaching men to fill out your group's roster it will be helpful to mention a few of the issues your group plans to tackle. These might include, but not be limited to, sex and sexuality, male trust, male anger, divorce, relationships, midlife crisis, dating, fathers and fatherhood, and pain specific to men.
These are the issues that have come up repeatedly in my group and need to be discussed in order for men to move beyond them and no longer have them influence their lives negatively.
It took nearly two years for the men in my group to sufficiently discuss their fathers before the topic became exhausted. There is quite a bit of anger and pain for many men behind their relationships with their fathers, and while there is certainly benefit in discussing fathers with a therapist, discussing it with other like-minded men can offer an experience that is far more meaningful because it is a shared pain.
I have watched many men move beyond the pain that was their legacies from their fathers and I have seen the quality of their lives improve because they did so.
So, for this week, find the other seven men for your group and feel free to email me at kensolin@comcast.net if you require any assistance.
I look forward to meeting many of you online and in person as I begin to travel around the country to promote my book and the notion of men's groups becoming widespread. Have a productive week.
Ken Solin

Ken Solin’s contemporary men’s movement aims squarely at issues relevant to men: sex and sexuality, fathers and fatherhood, intimacy, trust, ego, personal power and boundaries, male anger, marriage, divorce, dating, careers, net worth versus self-worth, and aging.

Unlike the short-lived, misguided men’s movement of the 1970’s, Ken’s methodology doesn’t burden men with studying sacred arts, rituals, or mythology. His proven approach, developed over fifteen years, is rooted in the collective wisdom inherent in all men, and working with that knowledge in appropriate group settings. By implementing simple guidelines, men can empower each other to become better men.

A CD, entitled a “Roomful of Elephants,” explaining why men suffer in silence and what they can do to change that forever, is available through our online store. Learn more about Ken Solin’s contemporary men’s movement by visiting our FAQ page where many questions you may have about how this process works are answered.